Ballad of the Narcissist

I found this poem on a website that offers advice to assist someone who must deal with a narcissist in their life, (i.e. parent, child, spouse). It is an attempt to help you understand their illness from their perspective and I believe it offers true insight into what lies beneath the veil of arrogance, selfishness, distance and aggression.

Ballad of the Narcissist

When I said that I would leave you I really meant don't let me go

And instead of saying yes to you I said, "I'll let you know"

I put myself above you so you'd think me some great prize

And blamed my faults upon you all because of my false pride

So I know you have good reason for complaining like you do

I never really thought of you just to mine own ego was I true

But the truth is I'm embarrassed for how badly I behaved

And for being such a coward I really am ashamed

Cause I don't want you to guess just how helpless that I feel

And that I don't know how to save you even though my love is real

There is so much I have to learn still and if you're needing proof

Just look at how I twist and turn and struggle with the truth

I cannot be your hero and I don't always understand

And I really just want you to see the child within this man

I'm so scared that you will leave me when you see my act a sham

And that I gave up long ago on being loved for who I am

I need you to be virtuous and let me tag along

Set me goals I can accomplish and praise me where you can

Not for the act just for the steps I take to become a man

So love and please don't leave me and help me learn to get along

Stop crying and getting angry cause it's really you who's strong

To make me feel bad won't change things cause I'm already wracked with shame

And sometime you must say no to me and kindly say my name

And if I'm being brutish you must make me face the law

You must show concern with courage if you want my heart to thaw

And I'm trying hard to trust you which I don't know how to do

And I hope you can forgive me and I hope that we're not through.

What Does Narcissism Look Like?

In order to be considered a narcissist, someone must possess at least five of the following criteria to some degree:

1. Feels grandiose and self-important. This can be subtle or displayed as complete arrogance.

2. Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance, bodily beauty or sexual performance or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion. My spouse often fantasized about winning the lottery or if he had a good business idea, he would imagine selling it for millions of dollars before he did any work on it. He also often referred to himself as "genetically blessed relative to 95% of the population".

3. Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people. He often referred to himself as "brilliant"and lamented that he sees things other people don't see.

4. Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation - or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious. It is necessary to constantly compliment and flatter a narcissist or they will begin to seek admiration elsewhere.

5. Feels entitled. Expects unreasonable or special and favorable priority treatment. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her expectations. The rules that the rest of us operate within do not apply to these individuals.

6. Is "inter personally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends. Using people and discarding them when they no longer serve the desired purpose.

7. Constantly envious of others or believes that they feel the same about him or her. My spouse would lament at the success of wealthy people I knew but when I would point out that they worked really hard to get where they were and weren't "given" everything, that didn't matter.

8. Arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes coupled with rage when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted. Tell a narcissist they are wrong,even if they are blatantly wrong will never go well. Apologies are not common and justifications for bad behavior are more the norm.

If someone close to you displays several of these characters, consult with a therapist for further information.

Narcissism defined: A pattern of traits and behaviors which signify infatuation and obsession with one's self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one's gratification, dominance and ambition without thought for another.